Ugh

.... It's been a tough few weeks. Not really sure where to start this entry. 

(I will be punctuating this post with pretty pictures of Victorian flowers to bring a bit of light to what is going to be a bit of a depressing post)

I suppose I shall start a few weeks ago when I was at the doctors and told I have an autoimmune condition, which is why my thyroid and other levels have been so out of whack. Of course the doctor didn't really tell me anything else (what type of autoimmune condition, what I should or shouldn't be doing/eating/etc, any possible treatments, what the hell is going on...), and he only told me that much because I asked ("Why are my levels so high?" "Hmm? Oh, you have an autoimmune condition"). I should have asked more questions, but at that point I was so stressed I was starting to get dizzy. So I got out of there as quickly as I could, but still managed to almost pass out in the reception area while making my next appointment (if there hadn't of been a chair there I would have been on the floor). I've now been on edge for almost two months waiting for my next appointment. I need answers but am scared about getting so stressed again. I've never had a fainting spell like that before and it scared the living daylights out of me. I think I need to find a new endocrinologist. I've been going there 2 years and feel like the only thing I've gained from the appointments is a hell of a lot of stress.

I've also been sick, grumpy, and bored over those last 2 months. I'm finally starting to feel a bit better though and have even been doing some sewing! I'm putting together a bunch of new "spring" items for my Etsy shop and hope to be able to post them in the next couple weeks. I may also film a short little promo for them and post on my youtube channel.

Speaking of which, people on the internet are mean. I've actually had to shut down the comments on one of my videos because it was causing me so much stress. I prefer to deal with inappropriate comments directly but it was having a negative impact on my health. The chemicals released during stress are supposed to worsen autoimmune conditions, so I've been trying to avoid anything that could trigger that stress response (I've even stopped watching some tv shows I really like because they triggered a stress response). Which meant I was forced to shut down the comments section of my pomade video after receiving one too many comments such as "how about you show us your tits", "she's hot for a chunky girl", "your pomade is crap. I haven't tried this recipe, but I tried another and it didn't work", "shut up chubs", "i like her booobs" (typo was included), and so forth. (There were some much worse ones, but they got removed and I don't remember them clearly enough to rewrite them here). The video was about hair pomade, and most of these comments have literally nothing to do with the video or recipe I shared. It takes a lot of work to make a well researched video, and to have this crap spewed all over it is incredibly frustrating. 

I don't actually get personally offended by the content of any of these comments. I get offended by the intent behind them which is either to sexually objectively me or other malicious intent such as trying to make me feel insecure/worthless. I hate that women still have to deal with this crap all the time and that these people (ok let's be honest, it's mostly guys) don't see anything wrong with these comments. When I call  them out on their bad behavior, I'm told to "calm down and take it as a compliment" despite the fact it obviously wasn't intended as one. They also usually turn to worse insults when I explain to them their comments are inappropriate and not appreciated. And I shouldn't even have to. This is not that highly viewed of a video and it's about Edwardian hair pomade for goodness sake! Not exactly controversial. I have so much sympathy for women who are trying to say something more important, as I know they are met with far worse then this. 

Computers allow both the commentor to be anonymous and for the receiver to have to deal with this filth from within their homes. Getting a comment like that while sitting in your bedroom feels somehow violating, like this person has invaded your personal sanctuary and there's nothing you can do about it and no where you can go. The whole thing (especially when combined with all the other terrible stuff going on in the world right now) has left me terribly sad for humanity at large. I had plans to try some men's vintage product recipes on my channel (mustache wax, a different pomade just for men, mens colonge, etc), but I'm holding off for now. 

After that rant, I feel the need to say most people who leave comments on my other videos are not like this. My actual subscribers are lovely people and leave such sweet comments. I love conversing with viewers and other youtubers, and most of the time the conversations are kind, helpful, informative, and enjoyable. It's just there's few bad eggs out there that seem to scream that loudest and which try to ruin it for the rest of us. I'm going to continue with my video making regardless of what anyone says, because I enjoy it. If I need to block comments for a while on a few specific videos, then that's what I will do so I can continue to share my work with those who actually appreciate it.

To end on a happier note, my wrists/hands have been feeling a lot better of late. I bought a TENS machine and it's actually helped quite a bit. The pain isn't gone, but I am able to use my hands for things like reading and knitting again! I'm actually almost done a new 3-hour sweater  with some interesting modifications and can't wait to do an outfit post in a couple weeks (when the weather gets warmer and I can do outside photos again!).  

I hope everyone else is doing ok. Sorry if this post was a little darker then my normal stuff, but I just couldn't go back to fluffy fashion posts without having a bit of a vent first. Don't worry, overall I'm doing ok and plan on getting back to doing a lot of things I enjoy now that I'm feeling a bit better. Fingers crossed for sunny days ahead!

That's All.